You Can’t Fix Yourself, Yourself

Leading up to Bell Let’s Talk day, CTV aired a documentary this evening that they originally aired in 2012 called, Darkness and Hope: Depression, Sports and Me.
In that documentary, Clara Hughes said something that stuck with me. She talked about how she always tried to fix herself on her own. That is something I was definitely doing.
I knew deep down in my heart that something was wrong, but I didn’t want to admit it. I never told anyone because I didn’t understand it. The people around me didn’t understand it. Or at least that’s what I thought. I really didn’t know anything about depression or anxiety.
Clara said, “I learned to just deal with things internally. And that’s just the way I was conditioned. There was something wrong with me. But I was dealing with it completely alone.”
That’s exactly what I did. I kept everything bottled up inside. I never told anyone what I was going through.
She explained when she talked to her doctor and the doctor told her, “it doesn’t have to get worse from here” and that was the moment she stopped trying to fix herself, herself.
I relate to that so strongly. I was trying so hard to fix myself on my own that it would just make the way I felt even worse. When I finally went to my doctor, and got the diagnosis, I realized, I don’t have to do it alone.
I’m still struggling with that. I don’t talk about it as much as I should, as much as I want to. I don’t know how to start those conversations. I’d kind of prefer others start them.
Its funny, I saw this documentary when it first aired, but even then, I couldn’t admit to myself that something was wrong. I felt that my struggles were smaller, insignificant in comparison. I realize now, that was my illness talking. I wish I had figured that out sooner.
But I’m on the road to getting better. Its a new journey.
Bell Let’s Talk day on this Wednesday, January 28th. Click here to learn more about this amazing campaign.

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