What Depression Feels Like

This is one of the best videos describing depression that I have ever come across. I don’t even know how I found it. It was just one of those random things that showed up while I was aimlessly skimming through all my social media apps on my phone. It’s something I do when I can focus, I don’t even read anything, I can barely process it. It’s basically just like a nervous habit. A terrible nervous habit. Anyway, I couldn’t watch it at the time so I threw it into my “watch later” list and I just watched it now. It’s incredibly accurate.

The thing that I struggle with though when I see or read stuff like this is the whole concept of it passing. My depression falls into the category of “persistent” or “chronic”. It’s not a straight line though. The severity goes up and down, but it never fully goes away.

My brain has been like this for so long that I don’t even know what it’s like to not be depressed or anxious. I have yet to find myself completely depression or anxiety free, even just for a day. I don’t remember ever being completely, 100% happy.

I have had days that were exciting and situationally made me happy, but I distinctly remember the moment those exciting events ended and there wasn’t even a cooling off period. Immediately, I was sucked back into my hopelessly dark and unhappy world. In most cases, the darkness never fully lifted. It would turn into more of a cloudy haze. If I had a quiet moment to myself in the middle of the excitement, or if I got overwhelmed for whatever reason, the depression would tap me on the shoulder and remind me it was still there.

There were many times where I was smiling and laughing with people around me and suddenly someone would say something innocent that triggered a thought in my head and that thought would very quickly snowball and suddenly all I wanted to do was get away from everything, to be alone, and probably to cry. Sometimes it didn’t even need a trigger. It would happen all on it’s own.

Although the past couple months have been pretty good, it hasn’t completely gone away. I’ve also had days where I feel like complete shit, like the past couple days. There was a specific trigger this time, but there isn’t always. Even since I’ve been on antidepressants, I’ve definitely noticed an improvement, but I have yet to experience a day where I can actually truly say I am happy. Like in general. I can be happy about a thing that happened or something I saw on TV or whatever, or chasing my dog around the house, but not happy in life.

I don’t really know how to finish this post, so I’m just going to end it here. It’s long past my bedtime and I only got about 3 hours of sleep last night (due to the thing that triggered the shittiness of the past few days) so I am exhausted.

Just a disclaimer, I am in a fairly good place right now, relatively speaking, so I don’t want to sound like I’m complaining or that I’m not well. I’m still battling, but I’m doing pretty okay right now.

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