Today was not such a great day for me.
I have been quite stressed out lately. Knowing now that I have an anxiety disorder, I at least know what’s causing it, but for a long time, I was going through the same feeling that I am right now, but I had no idea why.
I’m still trying to figure out how to deal with my anxiety and stress. I still struggle with it quite a bit.
While I was out with my dog for a walk this evening, I was thinking about some of the things that were stressing me out (see previous post about why this is bad for me) and it led to my version of an anxiety attack. I broke down into tears the moment I got in my apartment door. It was the hardest I’ve cried in a couple weeks.
In trying to think of ways to solve my anxiety at that particular moment, I found myself back in a thought pattern that I hadn’t seen for quite some time.
I found myself thinking, if I could just die, right now, it would solve all my problems.
I wouldn’t have to deal with the decisions I currently feel like I’m being forced to make.
I wouldn’t have to deal with the things that are making me stressed out.
It would all just be over.
I didn’t get to the point of thinking about how it would happen. What I would do.
I managed to stop it before I got into my usual cycle of worrying about what would happen if I attempted to commit suicide but failed and then I’d have to explain it to people (which is what prevented me from doing it when I was in high school).
Although I’m not in the middle of a breakdown right now (it happened a couple hours ago) I’m still worried about the same things.
They haven’t gone away.
I haven’t solved them.
I don’t know how to solve them.
I don’t think talking to anyone is going to fix it right now.
I honestly, don’t even know why I’m writing it here right now, except that I feel I need to tell someone, I just don’t know who.
I thought about suicide today.
But I am still here.