Around the time I kind of, unintentionally, stopped posting on here, this happened, and it hit me really hard. A lot harder than I expected.

What We’re Reminded of After Amy Bleuel’s Passing

Why Amy Bleuel’s Death Does Not Invalidate Her Message

When I first heard about Amy’s passing, wasn’t able to find the right words to express how I feel about it. I still haven’t. I probably never will.

I’m still in the middle of my own battle. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve wanted to give up. I’ve lost count of how many times I came right up to the edge. The fact I’m still here is not a feat of strength, by any means. In all honesty, fear is the only thing that has prevented me from stepping off the edge and completely giving up on life. Fear is the reason I’m still here. Fear of failure. Fear of missing out of the things I used to dream about. Problem is, the longer I keep going, the further away those dreams seem to be, they feel less achievable than they used to be.

The fact that Amy wasn’t able to hold on, especially after all the work she’s done for the mental health community is absolutely heart breaking, especially as someone who has come so close myself. To be honest, I’m still having a difficult time even comprehending it, even though I didn’t know her. It certainly doesn’t invalidate her message. It’s more a reminder of the fact that this stuff, this pain, the struggle, it doesn’t just go away. Even when someone looks fine on the outside, it doesn’t mean they are.

Even though we may be mental health activists, even though we put our stories out there hoping to inspire other, even though we are comforted by being a part of a community where we share common struggles, we are still battling.

All the time, you hear people say things like that they are “so OCD” because they are picky about things being super organized and tidy. That is not what OCD is. That can be one symptom of OCD, but it definitely doesn’t need to be present for someone to have OCD.

One of the other more commonly known symptoms of OCD is fear of contamination, leaving to the compulsion to watch one’s hands a lot and/or avoid touching certain things. This is something I struggle with. It’s always been minor, but I’ve noticed it getting increasingly worse over the past couple years.

But again, that is only one symptom of OCD.

OCD is much more complicated than most people realize.

Take a look at this article (or at least the video): Pure OCD: When logic is overthrown by nightmare-like thoughts

I can’t remember how I found IntrusiveThoughts.org but that’s the reason I came across the article.

** Trigger Warning: Suicide, self harm, violence **Continue reading