I still feel very angry and misunderstood. I know that piece has nothing to do with me, but at the same time, it has everything to do with me.

It’s strange. I actually saw a link to the article that this writer is talking about. It showed up in my Facebook feed as a related link to something else is clicked on.

I often fall victim to those links. I mean, I like to think I’m pretty smart when it comes to the internet, you know, being a web developer and all. The tech side of it and the cautiousness about where the links are taking me comes very naturally to me.

The actual written content on the other side of those links, however, is a different story. I have found myself triggered, just like this writer, by things I’ve read that I randomly find myself reading.

When I saw this link, I wanted to see what it was that this person thought was a blessing. I was very curious. Most of the time, that curiosity would get the better of me and I’d click it. For some reason, this time I didn’t. I don’t know why, but I scrolled past it. I kept thinking about it for a while, but I never went back to find it.

This morning, when I saw this in my feed, I was curious again, and quickly realized what article the writer was talking about. At first I was wishing I had clicked that link the other day so I would know what she was talking about it, but the further I got, the more I realized I was not meant to read that article. Especially since this writer did not link to it and she even mentioned it been taken down. It probably would have triggered me in much the same way, so I guess in glad I didn’t read it.

The good news is, the writer of this article did an excellent job expressing the problems with that article and how it proves that the signs still hasn’t gone away. People are still ignorant and judgmental about mental illness. We need to change that!

This is one of the best videos describing depression that I have ever come across. I don’t even know how I found it. It was just one of those random things that showed up while I was aimlessly skimming through all my social media apps on my phone. It’s something I do when I can focus, I don’t even read anything, I can barely process it. It’s basically just like a nervous habit. A terrible nervous habit. Anyway, I couldn’t watch it at the time so I threw it into my “watch later” list and I just watched it now. It’s incredibly accurate.

The thing that I struggle with though when I see or read stuff like this is the whole concept of it passing. My depression falls into the category of “persistent” or “chronic”. It’s not a straight line though. The severity goes up and down, but it never fully goes away.

My brain has been like this for so long that I don’t even know what it’s like to not be depressed or anxious. I have yet to find myself completely depression or anxiety free, even just for a day. I don’t remember ever being completely, 100% happy.

I have had days that were exciting and situationally made me happy, but I distinctly remember the moment those exciting events ended and there wasn’t even a cooling off period. Immediately, I was sucked back into my hopelessly dark and unhappy world. In most cases, the darkness never fully lifted. It would turn into more of a cloudy haze. If I had a quiet moment to myself in the middle of the excitement, or if I got overwhelmed for whatever reason, the depression would tap me on the shoulder and remind me it was still there.

There were many times where I was smiling and laughing with people around me and suddenly someone would say something innocent that triggered a thought in my head and that thought would very quickly snowball and suddenly all I wanted to do was get away from everything, to be alone, and probably to cry. Sometimes it didn’t even need a trigger. It would happen all on it’s own.

Although the past couple months have been pretty good, it hasn’t completely gone away. I’ve also had days where I feel like complete shit, like the past couple days. There was a specific trigger this time, but there isn’t always. Even since I’ve been on antidepressants, I’ve definitely noticed an improvement, but I have yet to experience a day where I can actually truly say I am happy. Like in general. I can be happy about a thing that happened or something I saw on TV or whatever, or chasing my dog around the house, but not happy in life.

I don’t really know how to finish this post, so I’m just going to end it here. It’s long past my bedtime and I only got about 3 hours of sleep last night (due to the thing that triggered the shittiness of the past few days) so I am exhausted.

Just a disclaimer, I am in a fairly good place right now, relatively speaking, so I don’t want to sound like I’m complaining or that I’m not well. I’m still battling, but I’m doing pretty okay right now.