Whenever I hear of someone, who I am a fan, of dying, it’s always difficult to process. Whenever I hear about someone dying by suicide, whether I’m a fan of them or not, it always hits me in a different way. When I hear about someone who I am a fan of dying by suicide, it’s that much harder to process, especially when I am currently experiencing suicidal thoughts myself.
I experience passive suicidal thoughts almost daily, but this past week. There has only been a few times in my life when I have experienced more severe thoughts where I was actually afraid that I might actually do something. One of those times was less than a week ago.
Earlier this evening, while watching (more listening to) eTalk, I heard about the death of Chester Bennington of Linkin Park by suicide. Initially, I was in shock, and didn’t know what to think. Then I started crying. I cried for about 10 minutes straight. By the time I stopped, I wasn’t even sure why I was crying. It didn’t feel like I was actually crying for any reason. Given that recent changes in meds have been messing with my mood, it wasn’t all that strange, but after crying every days for more than a week, and then suddenly going two and ha half straight days without crying, it felt weird.
A lot of Linkin Park’s music has gotten me through some particularly difficult times in my life, so to hear this news was hard. I didn’t know a lot of Chester’s history, so the stuff they mentioned on eTalk I hadn’t known before. It made me feel for him even more. I haven’t had any serious trauma or a what you’d see as a hard life. I’m one of those people who you’d probably say has no reason to be depressed. Yet, I am. I have been for a very long time. I’m also very empathetic. I don’t know why, but it’s very easy for me to imagine how others feel, even when they’re going through something I cannot directly relate to. So, hearing all these other struggles he’s gone through made that pain even worse.
Having been so close to that point myself, it is incredibly difficult for me to hear that someone, especially someone I feel sort of a connection to, has been overtaken by those thoughts. I begin to imagine what it must be like, which isn’t that much of a stretch for me. I think the only reason I haven’t given in to the the thoughts, in the more recent times, have been fear and the lack of means. In the past, the thought of what would happen to my dog without me has prevented me from getting that close to the edge. More recently though, that has not been enough. The fear causes me not to reach out for help when I really need it. Combine that with the lack of means, it leaves me suffering alone, feeling as if there is no end in sight.
I had forgotten until the day after my most recent bout of these more serious suicidal thoughts, but when I was in a slightly better place a month or so ago, I actually did some research on a local hospital’s mental health services so that I would feel like it would be okay if I did get to that point again and so I would be safe about the idea of taking my self to the emergency room if I ever needed to. Problem was, when I did reach that point where I should have gone to the hospital, I was so terrified that they would send me away because I wasn’t sick enough and on top of that I didn’t want to admit to my family how horribly I was struggling at that exact moment. It didn’t hit me until the next day when I was feeling weirdly better (which really freaked me out, but that’s a whole other story) that I had done that research intentionally because I thought it would help me. But when I got to that point, I couldn’t think about that. All I could think about was how much I wanted, not to die, but to cease existing, and that I had absolutely no one I felt safe talking to about it.
While I am glad I didn’t give in to the thoughts, I’m still finding it difficult to admit that I’m having such a hard time, even though right now, at the moment I am writing this, I’m okay. I’m not great. Not good. I’m not sure I’m even okay, but I don’t have a better word for it. I’m just not in the horrible place I was just a few days ago. I survived the week I had to wait for my follow up with my doctor (tomorrow morning), and at the start of the week, I didn’t think I would. So… I don’t really feel like that’s an accomplishment, but I think it should.
Anyway, I guess I just needed to get some thoughts out of my head and I don’t have a person I feel like I can safely share them with, but for some strange reason, I can share them with the internet. I don’t necessarily feel safe about it, but its easier than talking to real people…
Until next time…?
Edit: I realized after posting this that I didn’t actually know a whole lot about the band members. I really just like their music a lot but never spent much time reading about the people behind it. It’s actually weird because I usually do read a lot/watch a lot of interviews and stuff about my favourite bands and musicians, but there are a few who I just never research and Linkin Park is one of them.
I made the mistake of watching several videos on YouTube (there’s a lot of stuff up from today alone) and I ended up lying in bed sobbing and I finally had to turn of my tablet just so I could stop. Plus, it’s after 12:30 now and I should be sleeping.
Anyway, I just wanted to make a point of saying that I think it’s really amazing that they are one of the few bands out there who are not all cliche musicians who are on drugs and whatnot. I know Chester has had issues with addiction in the past but I does not sound like that had as much to do with his death as you’d expect. Although, it’s to early too say that for sure right now.
It sounds like he was hit pretty hard by the death of Chris Cornell a couple months ago and today would have been his birthday. I can’t help but wonder if that had anything to do with Chester’s death. Others have mentioned this as well.
Okay, that’s all for now. I just wanted to add that thought to this post. I’m going to go try and sleep now, listening to Linkin Park on my phone. 💙
Edit – Friday @ 2:40pm: I posted some more thoughts on Instagram this afternoon. I don’t know if this will show since my account is private. If it doesn’t, I’ll copy the content over later when I get home from work. I just wanted to post the link now.