Thought of the day:
Sometimes it’s hard to tell if something is a symptom of my mental illnesses or simply a personality trait.
Problem is, most of the time, I worry that if these “quirks” are part of my personality, they may actually point to a personality disorder. That terrifies me.
No, I’m not self diagnosing. Trust me. In this case especially, I don’t want to! It’s just that I feel like these thoughts and feelings that I frequently have mean that I’m a bad person. I want so badly for them to simply be symptoms of my anxiety or depression, because that means they aren’t necessarily always going to be there. But I even on days when I am doing better, I still often experience them and that makes me think that they aren’t going to go away, ever.
When I first started researching personality disorders several months ago, I initially thought, hey, maybe I fit into this category! It seemed like a good thing at the time because it might give me an answer. I know now that I was just trying to figure out who I was. Trying to understand myself. I had to explore the possibility, even if I didn’t know what it might mean.
I did mention it to my doctor a shortly after and he assured me that I didn’t have a personality disorder. Which at that moment actually left me feel a bit defeated because, yet again, I thought I was close to finding the answer – to what question? I still don’t really know – but ended up feeling further away from it than ever.
I continued researching and never really did find whatever I was looking for. But along the way I have put together many puzzle pieces of my life. I’m still figuring my shit out, but I still often find myself struggling with understanding who I am and what I want out of life.