Suicidal/Death Thoughts and Panic Attacks

Does this happen to anyone else?

I can’t decide if its anxiety or depression or both (probably both) that causes it.

I feel so overwhelmingly terrified about having to do something I don’t want to do, or something that I feel like I need to do but my anxiety makes me avoid it. Then the thought pops into my head that the only way to get out of the situation is to die, because then I won’t need to deal with it.

I don’t want to kill myself. I don’t really even want to die. (At least not right now, in the past, I have actually wanted to.) But I so badly don’t want to deal with a situation that I feel like death is the only way out.

Please tell me I’m not the only one!!

I don’t want to feel this way. I want to be able to handle things like a normal person, but I just don’t know how, and it scares me.

This kind of thing also tends to trigger my self-harm urges. That can be triggered by lots of things though, this just happens to be one of them. It doesn’t always lead to me self harming, but it can, because the thoughts are there.

In addition to that, I had, what could, maybe, be considered a panic attack. I’m not sure that it actually qualifies. It wasn’t due to being in a particular situation (as it would be for most people who experience panic attacks) but thinking about a situation that could happen, but may not. The only panic attack symptom I seem to never experience in these “attacks” that I get is hyperventilating, which can probably be attributed to the fact that I started out hysterically crying. My heart is probably racing, but I’m too busy trying to breathe to tell. But I experience none of the other common panic attack symptoms, so I’m reluctant to say that I am actually having a panic attack.

Usually I struggle to get this to stop when it happens. Just when I think I’ve calmed down, a reminder thought pops into my head, and it starts all over again.

This time, all that happened, but I was suddenly more aware of my body than normal, just from all the things I’ve been learning about anxiety and breathing techniques. Took some time to find a way to make it stop, but I did! I ended up lying on the floor, on my back, with my knees bent, so my feet and back were flat on the floor (cuz you know, the bum gets in the way lol) and breathing deeply into my belly rather than my chest.

Within a few minutes I was able to sit up, and think about the situation without bursting into tears and hyperventilating again. I still don’t want to deal with it, but I am calm. My eyes hurt from crying and I now have a headache, but I’m calm. My nose also get stuffed up (like to the point of complete blockage) when I cry, and I can breath, partially, through one nostril now. Yay!

Now to go back to dealing with real life… *sigh*

Also, I would just like to share this article. I’m a Supernatural fan, so of course, I love Jared Padalecki, but I feel that this article came at the right time: Feeling Overwhelmed By Life? Jared Padalecki Has Some Important Advice For You

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