Some Things On My Mind….Depression Lies

How do you tell someone that the things they say to you hurt, when you know that logically they shouldn’t hurt and they weren’t intended to hurt, yet you feel the hurt nonetheless?

How do you explain to someone that when you’re alone, you cry for no reason at all, except that you feel like the entire universe is against you?

How do you tell someone that you hate yourself, yhink very little of yourself, that you are a failure at life, and are worthless and that all these things cause you to wish you could just die so you don’t have to deal with any of it ever again?

How do you explain that you feel like you have absolutely no control over your life? And that feeling this way causes you terrible emotional pain and anxiety?

How do you explain to someone that you intentionally, repeatedly cut yourself or that you compulsively pick at your skin or pull out hair from your body, because you never found any other outlet or a healthy way to handle or process all the overwhelming emotions you feel every friggen day?

How do you tell someone that you have been struggling for so long that you don’t even know who you are as a person?

How do you say that you wish someone had told you years ago that something was wrong and that you needed help, but no one ever did, so you went on, suffering in silence for far longer than anyone should?

How do you explain that telling you not to worry about something only makes you worry more about it? Telling you to get over it, only makes it harder to move on?

How do you tell someone that you just want to be alone, but at the same time you don’t want to be alone at all? You want to spend time with them, but you don’t want to put in the effort because you think they’re just going to leave you eventually anyway, or realize that you suck and aren’t worth being their friend. You want them to invite you out because you’re too scared to invite them out because you’re worried they’ll think you’re too clingy.

How can you feel like you have no friends at all, even though you know you do? You feel constantly alone. You feel like no one asks you to hang out when you want them to, but you can’t work up the nerve to ask them first. People tell you they’re there for you if you need to talk, but you feel like they’re just saying that because that’s the nice thing to do, and they don’t actually really care about you.

friends and build relationships with people when you know they’re just going to leave you? It’s happened so many times before, and nothing has changed, so it is going to happen again.

When someone says things like, “oh, I know this person who you’d get along with. You should be friends.” How do you explain that that is the most uncomfortable and anxiety inducing thing in the world? Set me up to meet this person in an intimate setting, where we’re forced to get to know each other. And what if they’re wrong? You won’t get along. Now you’re in this super awkward position where you feel like you have to be friends with this person that you don’t have anything in common with and you really don’t like them. If they’d just let us meet in a relaxed setting, where they didn’t introduce them as “someone you would like” then it would be so much easier. You figure out naturally whether or not you even sort of like each other, and if not, it doesn’t matter. No harm done.

Why am I alone? I’ll always be alone. No one actually likes me, even if they say they do. They don’t mean it.

Am I the toxic friend? Is everyone leaving me because I’m a terrible person and don’t treat people well? Or am I pushing them away, without realizing I’m doing it, because I don’t think that I’m worth their time and energy?

I know that this is just my depression talking (and my anxiety too) and that all these things are totally irrational and stupid. Depression is excellent at deceiving its victims into believing terrible things, including that it (the depression) doesn’t actually even exist. That’s what it does. Depression lies.

All the questions above are things I struggle with daily. And that doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface.

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