It’s been a little while since I’ve posted on here. I’ve been dealing with a situation that has caused a significant increase in my stress and anxiety and triggered what was, for me, a relatively severe depressive episode. I can’t go into much detail due to the nature and current status of that particular situation, but my emotions were running extremely high to the point where I was so overwhelmed that I found suddenly that my emotions completely shut off for about 3 days. (This happened about two weeks ago.)
In the time leading up to those three days, I did relapse in my self harm a bit. I had been clean for about 3 weeks, and gave into the urge due to how overwhelming my emotions were. I haven’t self harmed since. I think it has been over 3 weeks since the last time I self harmed.
Anyways, I didn’t cry at all during those 3 days and I found myself completely unmotivated to do anything except lie on the couch with the TV on, but not really even watching it. If I wasn’t required to feed and walk 3 dogs (my parents were out of town for a few days) I probably would have just stayed in bed the entire time.
I found myself contemplating suicide, which wasn’t exactly a new thing for me, but I was thinking about it a lot more frequently than normal. It was the fact that I was dog sitting my parents’ dogs as well as the extremely adorable face of my own dog that kept the thoughts from becoming anything more than just thoughts.
Side note: I can’t remember if I wrote this here before, but I know I have on other social media. I realized recently that if I didn’t have my dog, I’m not sure I would have survived the past 3 years. It was the thought of him being left alone for days because no one would notice I wasn’t around that kept me from actually doing it.
It was the fact that I found myself not laughing at jokes on The Big Bang Theory reruns that I knew I had found hilarious in the past. I wasn’t laughing at anything. I also happened to watch a rerun of Flashpoint that I remember being really sad and I cried the last time I watched it. I couldn’t even make myself cry this time. I knew it was sad, in my head, but I didn’t feel it. I did’t feel anything.
When my emotions came back, it was sudden and so overwhelming that I couldn’t get through any task without bursting into tears.
It began while I was taking a shower. I suddenly found thoughts running through my head about what was going on and they just became so overwhelming that I began to feel weak in every muscle in my body and I started sobbing uncontrollably.
It was so intense that I couldn’t stand anymore. I ended up on my knees facing the back of the shower with one arm in my lap and one in the ledge on the back of the tub with my head rested on my arm, water from the shower head streaming steadily onto my back. It was as if every single emotion that had been locked up tight inside me was suddenly exploding out of me and my body, physically, couldn’t handle it.
I don’t know how long I was in that state, but the timer on the bathroom fan had run out. I did finally managed to get back up on my feet and finish my shower, but not without bursting into tears 2 or 3 more times.
The rest of my day continued like that. Random moments of uncontrollable emotion left me so physically exhausted that I found it difficult to do anything.
I needed to make a quick trip to the grocery store for a few things so I managed to keep myself from crying for long enough to get my eyes less red and puffy so I didn’t look ill. I ended up forgetting some items on my list because I all my focus and energy was going into not crying in the middle of the grocery store.
As I was leaving, the traffic on the road outside the store was really bad. Normally I would be making a left turn, but there is an alternative route that allows me to make a right turn, and immediately pull into a left turn lane so I only have to cross one lane of traffic at a time. Problem was there was so much traffic, I couldn’t even make the right turn. To make things even worse, it was raining. Luckily, there wasn’t anyone behind me for a while, so I didn’t feel rushed, but I was starting to get frustrated. Then someone did pull up behind me, so I tried to find a smaller gap in traffic that I could sneak into, but it was hard, and the jerk behind me started honking at me. That pissed me off. I felt tears starting to build up in my eyes.
I managed to find a big enough gap in traffic to sneak through the first lane and into the middle left turn lane. I thought that would get me away from the jerk who honked at me, but nooooooo. A few seconds later, they pulled in behind me. Great.
The traffic in the lane going the opposite direction was backed up well past where I was sitting, from the set of lights that was a few hundred meters behind me. Then a nice person going the other direction stopped and waved me across.
As I lifted my foot off the break pedal, the asshole behind me pulled into the lane and swerved over to the street I was trying to turn onto. I saw a woman in her 30s or 40s in the passenger seat, looking at me and the guy in the van facing us, laughing. Thankfully, the guy in the van saw what an idiot those people were and waited for me to turn as well. I ended up following those people half way back to my house, and they did not stop at a single stop sign. They just blew right through them. Then they turned down a street where I continued on straight.
The entire time I was so frustrated and angry that the tears had been building up, until it exploded and I was sobbing in my car. The rain outside seemed to get worse as tears streamed down my face.
As I turned the corner onto my street and into my driveway, I saw the neighbours outside, and I was certainly not in a state to speak to people, so I pulled into the garage as quickly as I could without letting them see my face, shut off the car and closed the garage door, and burst into tears all over again. I sat in my car sobbing for at least 5 minutes, while the dogs were inside barking, waiting for me at the door.
I managed to calm down enough to bring the groceries in, unloaded the cold stuff into the fridge and freezer and left everything else on the counter and went and lied down on the couch in the living room sobbing some more. Dogs came over, concerned and wanting to snuggle. Once I calmed down again, I got up and finished unloading the groceries and went back downstairs to the family room and turned on the TV.
Later that night, I had a good phone chat with my parents and a couple text message chats that made me feel a lot better, and I was able to get through the next few days without anything too eventful happening.
My emotions went up and down over the next little bit, but not quite as bad. Then I started to notice some changes starting to take effect from the recent increase in the dose of my antidepressants. My emotions are calming down and stabilizing. Its not perfect, but I am seeing an improvement. I still think I need to wait for a while before I decide whether the changes I’m seeing are good or bad.