On Suicide

I have never attempted suicide. I don’t think I ever could bring myself to do it. I over think it too much. I have, however, had suicidal thoughts, on several occasions.

I don’t often think about how I would do it. I don’t usually let myself get that far. But I sometimes find myself in situations like when I’m driving, and thinking about the things bothering me, and I would think, oh I could just crash my into that poll or drive into that ditch or off that cliff and it would all be better. Course I don’t actually do it. I usually just end up in tears instead. But if I’m at home, and there are no immediate actions that come to mind, I don’t think about how, I just think about if.

Maybe its more accurate to say that I think about dying rather than about killing myself. How if I could die, it would make all my stress and anxiety go away. It would all be better. It would all over and I wouldn’t have to deal with it anymore.

Then I think about my dog, and what he would do, and that makes me really sad. I think about if I tried to kill myself but failed, then I would have to explain to people why, but I wouldn’t really know how to explain it. I feel like others wouldn’t understand.

On the other side of things, when I hear people joking about going and killing themselves, it makes me hurt inside to think that they’re just making jokes, having no idea that I have had actual suicidal thoughts. I mean, I’ve been guilty of it in the past, but during times where I wasn’t struggling as much and wasn’t thinking about it.

Recently, a coworker was annoyed with some requests from a client and they said, several times, “I’m just gonna go I kill myself now.”

This came the morning after an evening where I struggled quite a bit. That made it hurt even worse. I wanted so badly to say, “hey, you know, I thought about actually killing myself last night, so please don’t say things like that, ever!”

I couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to tell my coworker about my struggles and that their comments were upsetting to me.

Its not that I want to kill myself or that I want to die. I don’t! I really don’t want to. But when I’m having a really bad day, and I’m really stressed out, and I don’t know how to handle it, I just find myself in that thought pattern. I can’t stop it from happening, I can only stop it from continuing.

I’m still fighting. Trying to get through each day. Some days are better than others. Some days are worse.

The battle continues.

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