I apologize for the rambly-ness of this post, and probably a ton of typos. I wrote it completely on my phone, and I did not proof read it.
So…..it’s 3:32am, and I have yet to fall asleep. This is not normal for me, or at least it hasn’t been for the past three years. Yet, it has happened to me several times in the past month and a half.
I’ve been thinking about my past symptoms of mental illness a lot lately. Something that I’ve just recently (and by recently, I mean in the past 3 hours) come to realize, this isn’t new.
I’ve always been one of those people that needs a ton of sleep, like more than the normal 8 hours, to feel even remotely rested. That is probably due to the fact that I likely have sleep apnea. I haven’t been tested yet, but my doc mentioned it when he diagnosed my anxiety disorder. He said it is possible it is being caused by my anxiety, so it made more sense to treat that first.
Anyway, I always try to sleep in on weekends, and often can sleep til 1 in the afternoon, if I have no interruptions. My dog usually prevents that, although, he does let me sleep in on weekends, just not that late.
But I always seem to have nights mixed in, where I just can’t get to sleep or I wake up a million times.
It was pretty bad in high school, and during the time I took off between high school and college.
It got better when I moved out on my own. Because, by that point, I felt like I knew my body (I know now that I really didn’t) I started going to bed earlier. It didn’t work. It felt good in the sense that I enjoy sleeping, or lying in bed, because I literally am required to do nothing. But it didn’t make me feel any better, or worse, in the morning. I was still exhausted.
Because I have such a hard time turning my brain off, 95% of the time, it takes me an hour or more to fall asleep. Since being on antidepressants, that has gone down to a half hour or less, maybe 70% or the time.
However, since moving in with my parents a month and a half ago, I’ve been struggling. I still get to sleep pretty fast the majority of nights, but I have had several nights of struggling to fall asleep.
Tonight is the worst. It hasn’t been this bad since probably 2011. In addition to this being the latest I’ve been awake in so long, this is the most frequently I have had trouble getting to sleep since probably 2007.
My theory is that because I have basically no time to myself anymore, my mind feels like, after my parents go to bed, is the only time I can do anything I want. I had three years of freedom, and now it is completely gone.
I was watching videos on YouTube, waiting to start feeling sleepy. It never happened. Then, suddenly it was 2:00. I finished a few videos I had in my queue, and then found some more, and next thing I knew it was almost 3:00. So I closed my tablet case, and turned off my lamp, and promptly my dog decided he had to pee.
When I got back into bed, I was wide awake so decided to watch a few more videos. Then turned my tablet off again.
I tossed and turned, unable to get comfortable or drowsy, for a while and picked up my phone. I watched some more videos, and then decided I should blog. Now here I am….. It’s after 4am, and I’m still awake.
My eyelids are beginning to feel a bit heavy now, so maybe I’ll attempt to sleep again.