Today is Bell Let’s Talk day. With that, CTV aired Clara’s Big Ride, chronicling Clara Hughes 11,000km bike ride across Canada to raise awareness for mental illness.
I have definitely thought of stuff like that before. Like, while driving under a bridge on a highway, at 110km/h and I would think about just driving into the pillar in the middle. I would think about how it would feel to end everything right then. Or driving on road on the edge of a hill or steep cliff, I’d think about just taking my hands off the wheel and letting myself fall.Come to think of it, most of my suicidal thoughts have involved a vehicle. Not all if them, but most. (Random thought I had to just throw in there.)
That is another big reason why I kept quiet for so long. I think I have had a pretty decent life. Great family. A few good friends, although I don’t feel like I have many close friends anymore. My life isn’t, by any means, spectacular, or all that interesting, but I’ve never really experienced anything really, truly terrible. So why do I hate myself all the time? Why do I get angry so easily? Why do I worry about everything? Why do I have such a difficult time dealing with stress? Why do I wish I didn’t exist? I feel like I don’t have the right to feel any of those things because my life has been pretty good, and yet, I do.