Clara’s Big Ride

Today is Bell Let’s Talk day. With that, CTV aired Clara’s Big Ride, chronicling Clara Hughes 11,000km bike ride across Canada to raise awareness for mental illness.

There was one lady who was featured in the show who said some things that really stuck with me.
The first thing she explained was that she had never actually attempted suicide, but she had suicidal thoughts. For example driving across a bridge and thinking, I could just turn the wheel, that would be it.

I have definitely thought of stuff like that before. Like, while driving under a bridge on a highway, at 110km/h and I would think about just driving into the pillar in the middle. I would think about how it would feel to end everything right then. Or driving on road on the edge of a hill or steep cliff, I’d think about just taking my hands off the wheel and letting myself fall.Come to think of it, most of my suicidal thoughts have involved a vehicle. Not all if them, but most. (Random thought I had to just throw in there.)

The other thing she said that I can definitely relate to, a million times over, is that other people have had worse lives, worse experiences, and they don’t feel like this. What right to I have to feel this way?

That is another big reason why I kept quiet for so long. I think I have had a pretty decent life. Great family. A few good friends, although I don’t feel like I have many close friends anymore. My life isn’t, by any means, spectacular, or all that interesting, but I’ve never really experienced anything really, truly terrible. So why do I hate myself all the time? Why do I get angry so easily? Why do I worry about everything? Why do I have such a difficult time dealing with stress? Why do I wish I didn’t exist? I feel like I don’t have the right to feel any of those things because my life has been pretty good, and yet, I do.

I’m really glad that Bell and Clara are doing what they’re doing. Let’s end the stigma.

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