Catching Up

It’s been a while.

A lot has happened.

My last post was just because I really wanted to share that video on every possible platform that I could. The post before that was on March 12th. I was talking about the fact that I had moved, and things were going well.

Although, I had been a bit preoccupied with expected things, some unexpected things came up too. So, here’s a quick breakdown of what’s been going on.

Work

Work has been very busy, and stressful. Excellent for causing anxiety. I’m struggling, but I’m getting through.

This week, I thought I had to do something. Something that was causing me a serious amount of anxiety, and had forgotten about (due to things I will mention shortly) and didn’t remember until the last minute. Then, turned out, that something else had been scheduled for that day, and suddenly I didn’t have to do it. Without any notice. So I wasted my entire morning, on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and had several anxiety attacks in the days leading up to it, only to find out, 1 minute before the thing was supposed to happen, that I wasn’t doing it.

Naturally, that pissed me off, even though I was not prepared, and was in no state to go on. Once I got over my anger, I was relieved. That later turned to annoyance, at the fact that I had put in time preparing a thing that would only makes sense in the context of that exact moment, and now I can’t even do it later, because it won’t make sense anymore. And now I’m back to worrying about when I am going to have to actually do this thing (because I had been avoiding it for a long time), and if I’m going to be prepared or not.

Moving related things

Who knew, moving to a new province could be so chaotic! My insurance was Alberta only, so I had to get new insurance, which created an extra step towards getting my car and stuff changed over. You have to have Ontario insurance before you can get your registration and plates. Before you can get your registration and plates, you have to have an Ontario licence and your car has to pass emissions and safety tests. It was a painful process.

I still have to get my health card dealt with and see if I can get benefits, because I had Alberta Blue Cross, in addition to my work benefits (since my work benefits are not really benefits, but a spending account, that gets used up by less than a year’s supply of just one of my prescriptions). Plus, get a doctor and dentist. Yay!

Family

My grandpa passed away two weeks after I moved back here. I only got to see him once, before he was taken to the hospital. And then I saw him the day he died. I still can’t decide if I would have been happier having been there when it happened or not. It happened only a few minutes after my parents’ and I left, because one of us had to go home to let the dogs out, but we had all gone to the hospital in my Nana’s car. My parents dropped me off at her house to get their car and drive home, but it happened before we even got back to her house.

Thankfully, I was able to pick up my cousin, who is attending school near where I live, and bring her home too.

My grandpa was a mathematician. He died on Pi Day.

The following week was not easy.

I’m still finding it hitting me at weird times.

Its not as bad when it does hit me, but I still find myself thinking about him, and wishing I’d had more time with him.

I was a lot closer with him when I was a kid. We only lived an hour and a half away. But then we moved to Alberta. I never really felt like I connected with him after that, and I wish that I had. I felt bad that I didn’t know what to say at his funeral. I wouldn’t have gone up to say anything anyway (anxiety and all, public speaking terrifies me) but even when my cousins were trying to put something together, I really didn’t feel like I had anything to contribute. That that bothers me, a lot.

I was very upset by the fact that I didn’t know what to say about my Grandpa. I loved him. I still do. I miss him. People say extremely nice things about him, and I know they are all true, but the fact that I can’t come up with my own words…..

………….Tear break………….

I don’t even know what else to say right now.

I struggle with words quite often. I have a hard time organizing my thoughts into coherent sentences…even phrases. It causes me a lot of anxiety. Like a lot!

It seems kind of funny, because I can very easily say or write a lot, but it tends to be rambling. I have a lot of things that I want to say, and sometimes I can get them out, but the thoughts never come out in the right order, and it ends up not making any sense.

Even right now, I had intended for this post to be short and simple, so I could post it and go to bed.

This is my second attempt at this post, and it still ended up almost as long as the first one, and the first one was completely different, even though they’re talking about the same things.

…..

Anyways, its getting late. I need to go to bed. I am just getting over a cold, and my body, and my brain, still needs its rest. Actually, it always does, whether I’m sick or not. Anyway…… Good night.

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