The socially acceptable thing to say right now is “Happy New Year,” but I can’t say it and feel like I mean it.
My depression is still actively numbing my emotions and causing anhedonia. It doesn’t matter how many things I try to do that normally cause me pleasure or joy. I’m still lacking motivation for literally everything, unable to follow a normal sleep schedule, easily overwhelmed, and I have no energy.
Scrolling through Facebook yesterday was stressful, seeing all these positive posts of peoples’ wishes for 2017, and all I could think was, how the hell are you people so excited for the new year? I honestly couldn’t care less.
I’m not a big fan of the holidays to begin with. Probably because there’s so much pressure to be positive, happy and hopeful, and I’ve never really been able to feel the “appropriate” feelings about the holidays. That certainly contributes to my general displeasure with Christmas and New Years, however that’s not really what the problem was this year.
Even spending the evening on Christmas day with several members of my family from my dad’s side, with all the goofing around and games and everything, I was unable to truly feel the emotions that fit the situation. I was able to laugh, as a result of my body’s reflex to some of the things that were going on, but I really didn’t feel it. I just wanted to go alone into a quiet room and lie on the floor alone.
In a way, that’s kind of how it actually felt. You know when there’s stuff going on in a house, but you’re in another room with the door closed and you can only hear the voices and laughs muffled through the door or the vent in the room, but you can’t really make out what’s being said, the context of the laughter. It’s sort of like you’re numbed to what’s going on elsewhere in the house. That’s exactly how I felt, even though I was in fact in the room with everyone the entire time, sometimes only inches away from the laughter, yet I couldn’t feel that joy that everyone else was experiencing.
Anyways, I guess I’m really only writing because I feel like I need to acknowledge the holidays, but I can only be honest about how I’m feeling. I can’t write positive things when I can’t feel them. I’m not trying to be negative, I’m simply incapable of feeling positive right now.