Am I Broken?

I was putting away some clean laundry, after procrastinating for several hours. I had to because it was spread out on my bed, so I kind of had no choice, if I was going to go to sleep tonight. I began trying to zip up a hoodie before putting it on a hanger but it wasn’t working. I kept trying for at least two whole minutes before I decided to give up.

I lifted the hoodie to straighten it in preparation for hanging it with the zipper open. The left side (or what would be the left I was wearing it) fell to the bed as I turned to grab a hanger, but it fell too far.

Did I seriously just do that?!

I realized I had been trying to zip the right side together with the left side of a different hoodie that was underneath it.

I looked closer, hoping it was just the way it fell and I wasn’t actually that dumb, but the left side of the hoodie I was trying to zip was tucked underneath itself. There was no possible way the two sides of zipper I had been trying to put together were actually from the same hoodie.

Okay, so both hoodies are black and made if similar material. Easy mistake, right? Well, the two zippers are completely different from each other. One is the type with thick plastic teeth, while the other has the smaller, thin type teeth.

I almost broke down in tears.

My mind is so broken!

Maybe if my emotions weren’t so numb, I actually would have cried. My mind wanted to, but my body refused. That seems to be happening a lot lately, that is, when my mind has any of emotional response at all.

I’ve always been proud of my ability to pick up on small details and notice things other people don’t. Maybe this is something someone else might do every so often, but it isn’t a common mistake for me to make. Sure, I could brush it off as simply being tired, because I probably would do something like this, if I were more tired than I am at this particular moment. Thing is, stupid moments like this have been happening to me more frequently in the past few months. My mind doesn’t feel up to par with it’s norm, and that kind of scares me.

Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m only 28 (I’ll be 29 in about two months) and I’m not losing it. “You’re still young,” as the older people in my life tend to say. (It must be because I’m not married and have no kids. I seem younger than I am.) I know it’s not really a big deal but, I have noticed my work suffering because of my current depressed state. Even if my co-workers and bosses think I’m doing a great job, I feel broken. It’s only been since this severe episode started 6 months ago.

I’ve heard people mention feeling “broken” in the context of being scared to seek treatment for mental illness, but I don’t think I’ve thought that specific phrase about myself since I was a child struggling to understand my homework and getting into screaming matches with my dad because that was just what happened when my brain “broke.”

I hadn’t thought about it until just now, as I write this, but I used to think there was something seriously wrong with me back then. I was broken. I’d completely forgotten until I actually wrote that phrase a moment ago. Weird.

Anyways, I started writing this because I just wanted to share this random brain fart, but it turned into more very quickly. I guess that’s why I do this. Bring forced to put my thoughts into sentences, slowing them down from how quickly they run through my mind causes me to process them differently. That wasn’t my intention when I started, but it seems to be where this has gone.

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